When your children become parents themselves.

My son Josh and his daughter, Nora.

Communication between people, especially those who care about each other, is an important component of maintaining good and healthy relationships.  The problem is that it is difficult to be a good communicator.  Not because we can't find the words, but rather because of the demons and fears that fill each and every one of us.  After all, we are only human.

A good example of this occurred when my son's family came to visit us for Kathryn's birthday.  I tend to be a bit of an authoritarian and will try to help them in child rearing by directing their children how to behave.  It has been a sore point between us in the past and it was deja vous all over again on this visit.  And the correction that I received for interfering made me angry.

The problem was that I took the reprimand personally, not that I did something wrong but rather that it was my son's personal dislike towards me as a person (stemming from conflicts we had when he was a teenager) that spawned the comment.  It made me sullen and caused me to turn inward; the only solution apparent was to avoid any interaction that might lead to a repeat of the event.

It took a nap and a suggestion from my wife to make things right.  And so, with the kids asleep, my son and I had a much-needed conversation.  

I first addressed my intentions and hope to have a positive relationship with his kids.  He articulated his appreciation for that but that my involvement undermined his authority as a parent.  When her parents were around, it was to be left to them, and if I was the adult in charge then I could assert my authority then.  I shared my concerns about it being personal and my fears coming from long hours of isolated thoughts where such things can run rampent within the mind.  I came to understand that there was no animosity, and that his vocalizations were both reasonable and appropriate.  

We came to a clear understanding where the lines were and what the reasons were, and my angry inner thoughts immediately disappeared.  We now have a plan which suits everybody and there is no hidden agenda involved.  

It is a simple thing, but it allows me to engage with my son and his family without the demons of guilt, fear, and anger from affecting my thoughts or actions.  It is amazing what some simple words in love can do.

Thanks for reading.

Eric Svendsen     www.ericspix.com

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