What being a grandparent means

My wife, Kathryn, with our grandchild, Nora.

It seems that every milestone in life comes with its own learning curve.  We are not born with the innate knowledge of how to raise children and, it seems, that much of our understanding is based upon how we ourselves were raised.  We take our preconceptions and move forward as best as we can.  We are fortunate that we can learn from our mistakes and that those we raise are pliable enough to overcome them.

My granddaughter, Nora, is about two and a half now.  Being that she is my first (and only - for the moment) grandchild, I have been learning what it means to be a grandparent.  I discovered that my attempts to discipline her were unwelcome when her parents were present, and I received significant chastisement from them both and my wife to boot.  OK, lesson learned.  My role is to support and enable, not guide and direct.

It makes a lot of sense in that we are rarely around her; they live in Alberta and we are in BC.  They will do the majority of the fostering, the correcting, and the loving.  Our involvement is to be cursory, really an external loving force that helps her parents accomplish their roles.

Specifically, I think it means that we provide whatever assistance we can in the raising of our grandchildren.  Within boundaries.  I would rather err on the side of doing too much rather than doing too little, and if I need reminding of where the boundary lines are then that is OK.  

Being a grandparent means loving unconditionally, helping where possible, and keeping distant when it is required.  It is important for us to be seen as fun and not to have conflicts with the parents.  I think the exact nature of grandparenting will greatly depend on each situation, and it probably looks different for every family.  

I think it is best to ask yourself, as a grandparent, these questions:

  • Are my children happy? - What can I/we do to help?
  • Are their needs being met?  What can I/we offer in assistance?
  • Do I/we spend enough time with their children?  How can I/we spend more?
  • What legacy do I/we want to leave with the grandkids?  One of love.
  • Are people's future needs being considered?  What does that look like?
  • Am I / are we overdoing our involvement?   Learn to take a hint and not take it personally.
What I know is that my grandchildren should remember me with fondness and my children should carry no bitterness about my role in their development.  How that will look will probably change over time.  But it's OK.  That is all part of what being a grandparent means.

Thanks for reading.

Eric Svendsen     www.ericspix.com

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